http://ru-inwonderland.livejournal.com/

the name "babypinksunrise" irritated me.
........and i have blog/journal ADD.

add me :]

blackout days and candled nights--

i could get used to this, but it's ending too fast for me to enjoy the ride.



it smelled like fall tonight, that bittersweet crispness of chilled air and fires and falling leaves.

... it's tempting me. just a glimpse of the glorious autumn days to come.

so, a list is fairly appropriate:

What I Love About Fall

-wooly sweaters
-halloween: it's my favorite holiday, not for the candy or the costumes but more for the feel of it, the magic, the anticipation, the decorations, the way fear sharpens senses and makes us notice things we don't usually see, like the moon overhead or the bristling shadows thrown onto the ground that subsequently blend, melt into darkness.
-the scent- it's like nothing else
-crunchy leaves
-the transition of green to earth-tone chestnut- it's not a fading or a numbing, really... it's a heightening, because it forces us to notice a more subtle beauty, not the color-based kind that's so common in spring and summer. instead, we have to appreciate the scenery in terms of landscape, texture, shadow.
-the way cold stings on cheeks and noses
-pumpkin picking
-apple cider
-the cozyness
-candles
-brightness
-haunted houses, graveyards, and the tingling terror that accompanies them
-hot apple cider
-apples
-finding a meadow
-gloves
-anticipation of the holidays
-winter coats
-being able to sleep under both of my comforters- the flannel one and the lighter one
-the vividness
-Martha Stewart Magazine's halloween issues
-stories- i remember this one picture book i read when i was little that described a group of witches that threw a party for some children to show the kids that the witches weren't scary... they had bat candies dangling from branches on a food table and a tree that was lit up on the inside- the kids climbed up the tree and out onto a platform at the top, from which the witches gave them rides around the sky on their brooms.... i don't know why, but that story is so clear in my mind.
-scary movies
-flannel


......and i could go on and on, but i'm sleepy.

i leave you, however, with the six-word story.

hemingway's:
"for sale: baby shoes, never worn."

margaret atwood's:
"longed for him. got him. shit." (i can relate to that)

jack's mannequin (they did it unintentionally, but i think it's one of the best ones out there):
"sometimes, perfection can be perfect hell."


buona notte.

who would've thought that the rocket summer and some major honors chemistry homework would trigger an epiphany?



it's not perfect, but it's a step in the right direction. i can go from here.
why put myself through unnecessary pain?
there's so much more to life than what we could have been.
it doesn't matter how you make me feel. it's pointless to build up idealistic expectations when i know, i know that they'll be let down.
so i won't.
i can do this.








nose to the grindstone and loving every minute of it.

my voice was hypnotic. it put you in a trance.
i laid you bare in bright stage lights just to see if you could dance.
and when the rhythm of my heart matched yours in perfect quarter time,
i stole your footsteps, burnt your luck, and said that you were mine.

There's something arcane, something off, about the way he smiles.

She can't quite put her finger on it, but as soon as he turns to her from the driver's seat and flashes a grin, something prickles at the back of her neck. It's enough to turn the scene around her, from the topaz desert extending into forever to the bright vintage red of his convertible, into a sour nightmare. All of a sudden, the sky is too blue, the music too loud, the dry air too suffocating. The wind whips her hair around until it's stuck to her chapped lips. She brushes it away harshly, irritated.

An unidentified rock song pours out of the radio in crackling, grating rivers of notes. She can see him mouthing the words in her periphery, but she doesn't turn her head.

Because turning her head would mean looking.

Looking means regret.

She tilts her left hand until the stone on her finger catches the sun. It glitters maliciously, a curse, a weight. Her hand falls to grip the seat and she shifts her gaze to the landscape.

It looks... dead.

She's used to green. Things that are supposed to be green are brown here. It's unnatural, she muses.

Suddenly, unbidden, her thoughts form into a question:
Why did you leave?
It's the same query that's been simmering in her mind ever since they got off the plane. She frowns subconsciously, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. He's handsome enough, she supposes, although tattoos were never really her thing and he seems to have more of them than she had previously thought possible. Combined with the leather jacket, the tattoos would be intimidating. He would be intimidating, were it not for his eyes.
They're soft, gentle. She knows he means every endearment he wings towards her because of how his eyes glow. She knows he means it when he says "iloveyou."

Three words.

She remembers the first time he told her, remembers the shock that coursed through her veins like venom, flowing even stronger when she parroted the phrase back to him. The words stung foreign as she rolled them around on her tongue. She didn't know it then, couldn't recognize the flavor, but now, in this car, in this moment, it's clear:

they tasted like doubt.

That same copper-metal feeling of apprehension curls up in her chest as she races towards a new world, a forbidden one. Why did she get married so fast? I'm nineteen, for God's sake, she thinks. I'm nineteen and my parents hate me and I have no idea what my life is right now.

"Fuck college."

That was what he told her when he proposed. His words were hopeful, manic, rushed as he laid out their future in front of her like a treasure map. Her voice said "yes" before her brain did, and it's not like she could have taken it back, not then, not with his lips on hers and his happiness clouding her vision.

Or at least that's what she tried to convince herself.



Oh, God.

Why did she say yes?

It's too late now, a voice in her head whispers bitterly.
Just don't think about it, chimes in another.

So she doesn't. Instead, she folds her hands on her lap and looks up at the sky to keep the tears from trilling down her cheeks.

Ahead of her, the road stretches out into a shimmering, heat-warped oblivion.
To her side, he is drumming long fingers on the steering wheel.
At her feet, the remains of her life are spilled all over the carpet.

She can't remember what's left.





[A/N- yeah, sort of sad, and very, very rough- practically unedited. i just typed this into the post window and hit save. i'll probably edit it later....]

i'm listening to the new TAI... album right now and loving it.

that is all.

so i just read one of the happiest, most magical, most adorable books that i've read in a long time: "my most excellent year" by steve kluger. it's simple and probably a little predictable, but that's part of why it is so beautiful. i absolutely fell in love with every character and the insight i gained from each of their individual points of views. read it. you won't regret it.

and while you read, listen to "at least we made it this far" by relient k. when you get to page 354 in the book, listen to the "you have given me a heart attack, you'll never know" part of the song. it's perfect.

xoxo

BEGINNING
so the other night, i read this story and, feeling inspired by frantic writing styles, wrote this Thing (not capitalized out of self-importance but more for clarification purposes). it's odd but i think for me and my writing, it was a natural progression from these journal entries into the style of the Thing. it just felt sort of like the next step.

DISCLAIMERS
it's full of grammar and word-placement oddities. those are intentional. also, if you recognize lines in this from my LJ entries, it's because they ARE from my lj entries. i stole from myself. teeheeheeheehee. i'm a methief. if i like the lines better in the Thing than in the lj, i might go into the lj and cut the lines out of the entries into which they were originally planted.

NECESSARY INFORMATION
Everything in italics = said out loud (i.e. DIALOGUE). Everything NOT in italics stays in Winston's head (i.e. THOUGHTS).

NECESSARY INFORMATION AUXILIARY CLAUSE I: REGARDING TITLES
the reason this entry is titled "random15" is that when i was writing the Thing, the textedit document into which the words were embedded was called "random15." the Thing's real title is actually *insert beautifully crafted title here.* so basically, it's up for grabs. feel free to contribute ideas. right now, the working title is "in accordance with breathing," although i'm debating the merits of "resonance," "polaroid," or "renegade," as well. i'd love feedback on that.

NECESSARY INFORMATION AUXILIARY CLAUSE II: ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Cheerios and cherries (hey, two "ch" sounds! awesome!) are wonderfully satisfying things to eat while researching the state in the US which has the highest concentration of farms. i would also like to acknowledge the fact that i should be sleeping right now, and the fact that my dog is. i would finally like to acknowledge the fact that i am hoping that you, the reader, enjoyed the preamble, which actually serves two purposes- to entertain its author, me, and to postpone the following minutes in which i will have to format all of the dialogue of the Thing into italics. that being said, good luck.





THE STORY ITSELF




in accordance with breathing



your hair falls across your shoulders like liquid sunshine. i want to reach out and touchtouchtouch it but something in your eyes swats my fingers away.
hi, you say, not looking, face angled down as if in shame. hi.

'hi, i'm winston, you're beautiful,' i don't say. the static in my ears drowns out those words and tunes them to just hi instead.

the silence is so thick that it feels like smog, suffocating and noxious and heavy.

you sigh. the sound is soft like a whisper like rain like kitten fur and the buzzing in my ears crescendos until it's almost hymnal.

-your name. i choke out, barelybreathing.

hmm? oh, what? your chin tilts and suddenly your eyes are on mine, finallyfinallyfinally and i am electric, i am stolen victory, i am imploding into fire.

what's your name? my voice is a hum.

peregrine. peregrine stuart. you reply with a southern twang, cheeks turning pinkrosered. freckles form constellations on the bridge of your nose and i trace out cassiopeia, orion, canis major. peregrine stuart. perperperperry, peregrine, perry. did i mention that i'm inlovewithyou?

...r name? your words caress my ears peregrine perry and i am not concentrating, i am lost. what?

and you, what's your name. there is no upward tilt at the end of your phrase- it's as if the letters got stuck on your tongue.

winston kale, i stutter, i sing, but don't. perperperrrrrrrrrrrregrine. i am too deep in the flat trill of that rrrr to remember things like who i am what i am called.

you are studying to become a Doctor, perperry, because you want to Help People and that is a Good Thing, a Big Thing. i am proud of you and the way you glow when you talk about this. but yes, but yes you glow but yes but then a fear is there in shadows in creases of doubt. my brain thinks, 'sad.' stupid stupid brain, oh peregrine, oh per, how could you be sad?

and i do not ask how could you be sad. the only thing i ask is do you want to get coffee later this week and when you say yes and let a smile ghost over those perfect lips, i wonder if this is what happiness feels like.

**************

peregrine. perry. i know things, now, i know them. i am proud of what i know and do not know. for instance, i know that you grew up on a sprawling green farm in idaho with your dadoldersisterolderbrother. i know that your mom is dead-- i know that she died when you were 14. i know that that was hard for you. i know that because of how you looked at the sugar packets when you were talking, and because of how something in your voice went sharp and faint and small. and that is a sad thing i know, peregrine stuart, and it made the blackcoffee in my stomach churn rotten. but there are happy things, like your dog when you were little, hunter, such a cliche farm dog name you said with memories shining in your smile. he was a Good Dog, and i know this like i know that i love you, did i say that out loud? i won'tiwon'tiwon't shhhhhh it's a secret. to me. some voice in my head laughs at that.
i told you the things that my brain could remember, like how i'm a photography major, and when my lips said that to you, my mind took a picture of your prettyprettyface so i could keep it in my heart forever. and when did i become so sentimental? never per per peregrine perry, never.
i walked you home that night but i didn't kiss you because i was shaking and your voice was hesitant. i walked up to your apartment door and you laced your keys in between your fingers and said we should do this again sometime and i didn't need your lips that night, no. your words were enough.

**************

peregrine stuart, i saw you across campus today. it was like seeing an angel, except you were dark and angels are brightbrightwhite. you were rushing and distant and i stopped and watched you hurry and thought, 'lie.'
shut up brain shut up.

**************

so instead of coffee, we went to dinner.
a week before dinner, peregrine, i didn't eat anything that wasn't off the taco bell 99cent menu because i am poorpoorpoor but it was worth it to see you shining in that velvet dress. mydarkangel. stupid brain shut up.
we talked and ate food that melted in my mouth and i thieved a bite of creme brulee just to feel your palm against my arm when you smacked me indignantly and laughed your bell laugh. i sparkled and whirled and my skin bristled from being alive.
i walked up to your apartment door again but this time you didn't lace your keys in between your fingers, no, peregrine stuart, this time you laced your arms and heat around mine. you skin was soft and you smelled like vanilla and antique and something dark, something musky, per per peregrine i wanted to never let you go but when you pulled back the look in your eyes was sort of like Terror. a flash of nightmare on the horizon.
when you said goodnight your face was smiling but your eyes were not.

**************

peregrineperrymydarling. i had a dream that we were running running running, through an alley that was dark with crime and the unknown and then through a field of tall grass.
come and catch me, you said.
butican't. my lungs were burning, my heart was exploding and beating rapid half-beats and i fell rolling tripping head hitting stone.
i lay on my back staring at the slategray sky and felt blank, washed out, paralyzed. i think there was pain but i can't remember.
and then your face appeared above me, peregrine stuart your golden hair blowing like strands of silk. you tilted your head to the side like you were deepinthought and the grass stained your white cotton dress as you pressed your knees into the ground and knelt by my ear, whispering two words:
i'mnot.
and then you were off running up the hill disappearing over the other side leaving me trapped inside a broken bodyshell.

i woke up with your speech on my tongue.

**************

peregrine stuart i came to pick you up to go walking in the park in the evening under the stars but you were sick so we stayed in and watched "breakfastattiffany's." you said it was your favorite. i met your roommate, your best friend. you introduced her to me and she looked like a puppy with a laugh that said 'welcome' and eyes that said 'theywon'tfindthebodyifyouhurther.' no, don't bite. i would never hurt you, peregrine stuart, mylove. no.
your forehead was burninghotfever but you were shivering, snuggling up to my side for warmth, so i put my arm around you and tried not to be worried when your coughs shook our person-cluster. oh perperperry. get better get better.
when you fell asleep the TV did too and i watched white noise in the dark on your couch until i was sure that you wouldn't wake up if i left. i wrapped the fleece blanket around you and kissed your forehead, tasting salt and staleness.

you looked so small in the empty room peregrine and when i left your apartment, my steps echoed down the hall. that night, i didn't dream.

**************

you got better as fall faded into monochromewinter and we went for walks and we went to movies and we went to lots of coffee. lotslotslots of coffee until the barista began to give us knowing smiles when we walked handinhand through the door.
after we kissed for the 19th time peregrinestuart, i held your hands in mine i turned your arms over and the moonlight illuminated white ropy lines on your porcelain wrists.
i traced them over with my thumb and felt something inside of me twist and shatter.
why. one word out of my mouth and you were whispercrying you wouldn't understand and then tearing your bonesmusclesskin out of my grasp and running away. away perryperohmygod.
oh my god.

**************

oh peregrine, ohlove you didn't call me and we didn't talk and i felt fear. i saw you again in my dreams. you were crying with no tears.
your roommate gave me sympathetic glances when i saw her walking. i wanted to ask her but my throat didn't. i went to the cafe to get blackcoffee and the barista said where's the girl? and i felt your peregrine absence like a gaping nothing-hole at my side. i didn't know what to say so i said silence and left him a tip because i felt bad for being rude.
seewhatyou'vedonetome?

**************

on the last day of the longest week of my life i find you on a bench in the park and sit down by your side. i want to cling to you like a weight and hold you down keep you from floating awayaway from me but i don't, i sit and sit and say nothing and do nothing. the wind stings cold on my cheeks but i don't mind because it's numb after a couple of minutes.
for the longest time there is just empty quiet and you, staring straight ahead, your face like stone. ohperegrine. the only sound is my heart in my ears.

and then you speak, calm and low like honey. at first, we didn't know how she died.

who? i say, thinking 'don'tmessthisupdon'tmessthisup.' your mom?

yeah. she was making dinner, cooking some sort of chicken and us kids were all laughing and running in the kitchen. dad came up behind her and kissed her neck and she smiled and it was the only normal i knew, except then she was holding her head and crying out and falling down on the floor.

you pause and my ears search for the sound of tears being choked back, but there is nothing, just wind and silence, seeping into my ears it'sdeafening i don't speak. you sigh like you did on the day we first met and continue melting words into the winter air. the doctors said it was an aneurysm. they said that it had been there for a long time, probably, and that it was like.... was like a time bomb, waiting to go off. and it went off and she died. just like that.
after, we were all sad. it was a sad time. i was 14 and in the middle of trying to figure out who i was and then part of how i defined my life was gone.
for a while i was scared. it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that death meant this.. this permanent absence, and that i was hurtling towards it on a one-way street. people tried to talk to me and help me but i wouldn't let them. i had to fight my own demons... and eventually, i did.

you take a shaky breath and i watch your emotionlessfacade break for one second for one millisecond but i don't let on because i know you wouldn't have wanted me to see.

but my dad wasn't so lucky. he sunk into depression and tried to forget. some of the only times when he remembered us kids were when he was drunk and looking for a punching bag.

you spit those last words out like you're sucking venom out of a snake bite, peregrineperry, and i feel hot dark raw anger. howdarehe. but i don't talk, i don'tidon't. you do instead.

it got pretty bad at times, but my brother and sister and i tried to ride it out, thought it was a phase. we were raised with pride so we were too proud and then too scared to ask for help.
but one night, things... escalated. i was up in my room and he was on a drinking binge. i could hear furniture crashing and i tried to block it out, but then there were footsteps echoing outside of my room.
he threw the door open and fell in, smiling, saying, 'hi, my pretty girl. daddy's girl. aww, look how precious you are.' i tried to hide and lock myself in the bathroom but he got there first, threw me down to the ground, and started ripping off his clothes.
i was in shock, so scared, knowing what was going to happen but paralyzed and powerless to fight it. he sat down on the ground and tore off my nightshirt and tried to.... tried to-

you choke on ghosts and letters, peregrinestuart, and in that moment i want to comfort you but nononono i sit clenched fists clenched teeth while you refuse to look at me.

he didn't. he tried but he didn't. he passed out and left me shaking and crying under his deadweight body. i rolled him off, got up, reached into the shower, pulled out a razor, and cut my wrists.

i see movement out of the corner of my eye and turn my head, looking down. you pull your shirtsleeves back baring your wrists i reach out with a finger and touch them lightly, pressing down, feeling your pulse myloveperegrineohgod thrumming underneath the milky skin.

when you speak again it is clinical cold bare facts, devoid of feeling.

my brother and sister found me bleeding in the shower and took me to the hospital. i got 2 transfusions and woke up to a social worker. my brother and sister took care of me until i was out of high school. the government and my aunt are paying for college and i never saw my dad again.

you turn to me with sadsad eyes and a face of ice and i don't know what to feel, angersadnessfearsympathylove?

peregrine. one word and my voice cracks. goddamnit, staystrong.

you fold up into my arms slowly, gently, like you're wilting. peregrineiwillnotletyougo, iwillnothurtyou. ohperryohper,iloveyou,iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.
and my lips say the words without realizing that they're saying them. brain thinks: 'what have i done.' i bite my tongue, soft flesh, until it bleeds crimson metal salt liquid.

but.
but.
i love you too.
what?
what.
my thoughts stumble screech to a halt-
peregrine. you don't have to- oh.
i hold you tight and close my eyes. my love. my love. oh.

**************

the barista is glad to see us, me and youperegrine, walking into the coffeeshop. i missed you guys, he says.
i look at you, smile. you squeeze my hand and my chest is tight and full. we missed you too, you say, laughing, eyes twinkling like magicmagicmagic.

i'm glowing in the dark now. look at me. watch me come alive at night.
watch me.
watch.





watch

barelybreathing, say my name so i can feel like i exist.

why do we feel the need to eliminate darkness?
driving tonight was just row after row of fluorescence and neon
sickening, really, because all i wanted was quiet.
in its radiance, all of that faux-light felt off.
even the sky was tinted pink, the moon a burnt-orange. too many colors, too much glare.

there is no such thing as night down here.
no dark, no sleep. the roadsides never yawn.
and above me, circles flicker green-yellow-red. it's driven but hesitant. when do we rest?

are we afraid of the dark, like children alone in bed at night?
...irrational. shadow deserves respect.
and life is too fragile to poison it with fear.

we're a generation lost, so out of focus.

(and the synthetic glow loses its luster in peripheral vision).

i love the way campfire smoke sticks in my hair for days, even after i shower (it'slikeareminder)
i love sharing music tastes with people
i love the mag-lite
i love apples to apples
i love fireworks
i love crossing the creek
i love dusk
i love how everyone knows everyone (like a community, like a huge summer family)
i love "playing" rusty's electric guitar
i love taking over cabins for the night
i love watching triple tubing
i love the sun
i love reading on the dock
i love dogfests
i love reminiscing about the lake olympics
i love spinner
i love dragonflies
i love running on the dirt road
i love badminton
i love quiet
i love.

sunlight is dancing light-footed on the water. it's glitteringly and stunningly beautiful. i can't imagine that anyone in my place, right now, right here, sitting by a picture window during the golden hour, could ever feel anything other than content. it's hypnotic, but in a quiet, innocent kind of way. i just want to freeze this moment, to bottle it up and save it for when i'm drowning in responsibilities later this year.
it's good to know that in spite of all the suffering and pain that haunts this world, perfect minutes do exist. some things never change. the sun will rise and set. rain will come in torrents and then fade to gray. there will always be fear, but there will also always be times like this, when everything is alive and brimming and bright. i watch my family exist, listen to the sound of blissful chaos as it floats up through the screen windows. it's beautiful yet fragile.

i absorb the summer. sometimes, i prefer to observe rather than to be involved.

"what color is it?"
"white. of the blinding variety."

looking back, he regrets the couch. he knows now that it was not a good idea. she was right, she's always right when it comes to interior design and so that look on her face, that of betrayal and anger and exasperation, was completely justified. why did he get upset? why did he get defensive when he knew he was wrong? to get down to the root of it all, why did he even buy the thing anyway? it was mohair. when is mohair ever a good idea for furniture? it's not. that is the answer, as it was then.
and while he's on the subject of regrets, he regrets the little league thing. it was okay that noah had no interest in baseball or teeball or anything else ending in "ball." he shouldn't have forced the kid to play catch after work, shouldn't have yelled at him when he complained about the nevada heat. it really didn't make him "any less of a man." 8-year-olds aren't really men anyway, come to think of it, if he's really thinking anymore, since he can't move, since he can't feel. and what is this?
what is this?
he thought it would be different, more lush, more mirage-like. he wants to scream but there is no voice.
just silence, then circus music. is it real or in his mind? it's garish, too high-pitched, lilting off-key. like a nightmare. he wants to wake up. now, please. that would be nice. please. pleasepleaseyoufuckersiwanttogoback. IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?
oh god.
it can't be finished. eight days then this? this is what he was looking for? this was all that was waiting at the end? no, nononono, it isn't worth it. iwanttogoback.fuckinghell,iwanttogoback.

maybe it's another delusion. that's it. oh, god. oh godohgod, he wants to cry with relief, but then he can't. so.



"what's it like?"
"like floating in a sea of infinite. like the opposite of existence. like nothing."


iwritebackwards

there are all these little gnats buzzing around my computer. they must have come in through the screen windows. i swat at them but they do not move- instead, they come closer. one lands on my ear. i wave my hand in its general direction. it flies off and sets up camp on my screen instead.

i just finished reading "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius" and now i'm on to something called "encyclopedia of an ordinary life." it's anything but ordinary. check it out.

the stars are out over the lake tonight
yet the air is still so dense, so dark,
flowing around me like silk, then melting to fluid in my hands.
i hum, but it gets caught in my throat. sometimes silence is less frightening than breaking it.
butit'sdeafening. it seeps into my ears.




i'm in a lull.

i was sitting in the bookstore today and i read an excerpt of a novel which was a first-hand memoir of this neuroanatomist's experience with a stroke. it detailed the entire process, from when she first had pain in her head to the point where she had lost all function completely. the interesting part was that the woman described how it felt to exist using only one hemisphere of your brain... what it was like to be just a shining, ambiguous mass of feeling and picture (she had no ability to process words or think verbally.. she said her mind was just sort of numb and remarkably silent). it was absolutely fascinating. the most intriguing part, however, was how she said that she actually had to convince herself to recover, because in her mentally impaired state, she felt positive that she wouldn't be able to fit all of her energy and life into such a human, scaled-down form as her body. i cannot even imagine what that would be like (and i must say that i'm not exactly willing to experience it, either).

anyway, to skip to the point of all this rambling, the author said something within her narration that i found both enlightening and mind-boggling. there was a quote that explained how really, we are all figments of our imagination. everything we are/do, from our environments to ourselves to our relationships with each other and our environments is a result of our own neurological reactions/processes. so technically, our existence is only in our own minds. as i see it, this truth can be either frightening or empowering. i choose to view it through the eyes of the latter, although at first, i was rather startled. but really, once you think about it, this just means that we have the power to be who we are inside of our heads (with some limitations, of course). this was SO nice to hear because in my head, i am fabulous. i am witty and effortless and confident and i never let anything hold me back. now according to the quotation above, we have the power to manipulate who we are. once i realized this fact, i realized something else: that i have the capacity to be this amazing person that exists in my thoughts. all i have to do is believe in myself. and i know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. i have to believe that i am amazing. i have to believe that i can do all that i want to do. because one of the main things that hold us back in life is ourselves, our doubts.

and once we've put those in the back of our minds (to the best of our ability to do so, of course), we can fly.

living gets harder when you're not sure if you're doing it right.

there are some people in this world that shine. you're lucky to come across a few of them in your lifetime, but it's fairly easy to tell if you've found one. they know who they are and like who they are, and they don't care what others think. they're funny and happy and witty and one could even go so far to describe them as magical, but.
have you read the book "stargirl?" it's like that, but toned down.
i'm not usually wrong about people. we'll see, though. if i'm tongue-tied, it's usually for a reason.

ever thought about how little we know each other? it's a humbling fact.

and right now, i'm in the background
it's so easy to lose yourself in monotony, because
routines are not jarring.
they are safe.
we don't take chances. we should.

i had a dream last night that i turned into a leopard because there was an outbreak of mad cow disease. not something i ever want happening in real life.

well. this was a relatively uninteresting entry. maybe i'll have some inspiration by later tonight.

i don't want to brood, but.
someone shoo the elephant out of the room before it eats me alive.
ithoughtiwasdone.

i want to be someone you deserve.
not in the shadow.

"and i speak to you like the chorus to the verse. chop another line like a coda with a curse."


we feed on cobwebs and broken memories.
live me in this town so i can forget the other nows
across the country
denial festers in ignorance (exceptican'tignore).
and every word that escapes your mouth is wittier than how i write myself
inmyhead.
how can i expect?
it starts out so slow then blooms into a buzz like insect wings of summermidnight

life in the fast lane
love on a choke chain
lackluster progressions and poor first impressions

when we all strive to be unique, it just makes us the same


he was out in the desert because of the nothing
maybe to run, maybe it's emptier, maybe he wanted to watch his life unfold as uncomplicated
survival comes down to basics. maybe he wanted raw. maybe back was too much then too same(toosane). outside it's magic and chance. maybe he wanted the variables. maybe he wanted meaning.
i'm only just discovering his story.
i hope it unfolds.


and the chaos crescendos until it's almost hymnal,

.......was absolutely epic.
like, whoa.
seriously. i'm inarticulate for a reason.

Here is my attempt at a slightly organized (?) review. It's not even a review as much as it is a summary of the hilights for each band, but oh well. Here it goes.

- GALLON WATER JUGS. haha. this isn't a band or a hilight but it was the best idea of the whole day. we bought like, 4 jugs of water at a gas station on the way over and carried them around all day, stopping periodically to refill them at the huge water fountain. I was completely hydrated and happy the entire day. It really was a good idea and it saved us from having to buy expensive waters in the venue.

- Cobra- performing "The Church of Hot Addiction," "Bring It" with Travis McCoy (who made the most adorable face in the end and then proceeded to sing with Gabe), "Send My Love to the Dance Floor," doing Fangs Up, Ryland's super soaker and shirt that said "Pleasure" on it, Alex's Chanel bass, doing the Guilty Pleasure dance, Hollaback Boy, jumping like crazy during "The City Is at War," Gabe dancing like i can't even describe and then STAGE DIVING just a little bit too far right for us to help him back up, Nate drumming..... shirtless :] (wow, he's tan!), Gabes's pink sunglasses and epic plaid shirt, "Smile for the Paparazzi," and the following exchange:

Ryland: "You know what the best part about this place [Cleveland] is?"
Gabe: "What?"
Ryland: "O-H!!!!"
Crowd: "I-O!!!!!!!"
Gabe: "Yeah, that is pretty awesome. Do you think they'd do it for me?"
Ryland: "I dunno, man, you can try it."
Gabe: "Okay. O-H!!!!"
Crowd: "I-O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Gabe: *laughs* "Okay, now we're going to do it again except I want you to NOT say I-O so that it's REALLY awkward and I feel really stupid. 'Kay? Let's go. O-H!!!!"
Crowd: "I-O!!!!!!"
Gabe: "no, no, you have to NOT say it!!! try really hard! okay! O-H!!"
Crowd: *silence*
Gabe: *makes pouty face and crosses his arms*

- The Academy Is...- "Neighbors," "We've Got a Big Mess on Our Hands," "Slow Down" and yelling as loud as i could, Travis from We the Kings coming up to sing with Beckett, the fact that Beckett was in tune pretty much the.entire.time (which added to an already practically flawless set), being right on the barricade with Sisky and Chislett IN MY FACE at respective times, WILLIAM BECKETT (enough said), huge air blower things (i don't think they were fans because i didn't see fans but i'm not sure) that made the mosh pit a pleasant experience, Andrew McMahon of Jack's Mannequin coming onstage to sing a song with William, Beckett kicking around a balloon that said "cunt" on it, TWO NEW SONGS from "Fast Times at Barrington High," "Checkmarks," "The Phrase That Pays"

- Merch booths. Yeah. i kinda went overboard but it was SO WORTH IT.

- COBRA SIGNING- getting in line and talking to a bunch of really cool people, the sketchy mean guy who was herding everyone in line, having conversations with Cobra (as follows, not exactly verbatim but basically the same):

Me: "Hey, Ryland!"
Ryland: "Hey!" *signs my hoodie* "I like your shirt. I especially like the oranges. I really like things that are citrus. They just smell so good." *is really enthusiastic about oranges, oh ryland*
Me: *OMGRYLANDISINFRONTOFMYFACETALKINGLIKEADORKOMGILY* "Yeah, they do! I'm a big fruit fan." *oh my goddd, did i really just say that?*
Ryland: "Yeah, me too!"

On to Nate:

Me: "Hey, Nate!"
Nate: "Hey!"
Me: "You guys were awesome today, by the way."
Nate: "Thanks!" *signs hoodie*
Me: "OH, and I really like your sunglasses!" *notices that nate is very tan and very very very attractive in person*
Nate: "yeah, thanks! 'cept i get headaches because they pinch the side of my head."
Me: "yeah, mine do that too!"
Nate: "it sucks."

On to GABE. MFING GABE SAPORTA IN. MY. FACE. *death*

Me: *holds out hoodie for him to sign*
Gabe: *is amazing and confused and decides to shake my hoodie-covered hand instead of signing* "Hi, I'm Gabe!"
Me: "Hi, I'm Ruthie!"
Gabe: "Sweet hoodie! How do you spell your name?"
Me: "R-U-T-H-I-E."
Gabe: *signs*
Me: *notices Gabe's necklace, which is a pair of those plastic fangs (pink, of course) hanging on a gold chain* "Cool necklace!"
Gabe: "Hey, thanks!!!" *finishes signing- he wrote 'To Ruthie, <3 Gabe'*
Me: "Thanks so much! Can I have a hug?"
Gabe: "Ohhhhh, sure, of course!!!" *reaches around and gives me a big hug*
Me: *diesdiesdiesdiesdies OH MY GOD GABE SAPORTA JUST HUGGED ME..... OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO PASS OUT* "Thank youu!"
Gabe: "No problem :D"

So that was the Cobra signing. It was nerve-wracking and absolutely insanely surreal. For the rest of the day, Megan and I would just randomly turn to each other and be like, "I HUGGED GABE SAPORTA." And now my purple hoodie has signatures on it :]

- We the Kings- "Check Yes Juliet," "Secret Valentine," Travis saying that we would get free makeout sessions with the guitarist (i don't know his name), being absolutely insane and jumping around like maniacs, pushing right up to the front, awesome vocal harmonies

- Relient K- We just caught the end of their set, but "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" was awesome. So was their backdrop, which had this painted bird on it that was really whimsical and cool. They seem like really nice guys- they said to come to their merch booth not to buy merch but to check out this charity they support that gives water to kids in Africa :] aww. it was sweet.

- STALKING THE ACADEMY IS...- this was sort of a theme for the day haha. Okay, so the first time it happened, we were walking back to Main Stage Right and the water fountain to refill the jugs and all of a sudden, I look up and smile at this tattooed stranger walking by me (because i'm just that awesome and special that i smile at strangers) and he smiled really big back and his eyes were all...... twinkly and that's stupid but true, and i keep walking and then FREEZE BECAUSE OH MY GOD THAT WAS THE BUTCHER THAT JUST SMILED AND LOOKED RIGHT IN MY EYES. and i turn to see the entire rest of TAI... walking over to their signing, Carden in this really odd shirt and Beckett talking on the phone. I ran over to Mai and practically tackled her and then we proceeded to follow them not so discreetly over to the tent where they were signing. I almost got up the nerve to yell "WILLIAM BECKETT WILL YOU TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME?!" when he was off the phone but then the security guard girl got all snippy and started guarding them off with her hands. >:[. BUT I WALKED RIGHT ALONG WITH THEM AND IT WAS SO AMAZING.
and then another time we saw them walking out of the signing booth and i just stood drooling in awe as Beckett proceeded to SMILE and LAUGH (doesn't seem like a big deal, guys, but oh trust me, it is) 2 feet away from me and then walk away with his security person. I just sort of stared after him and took a really stalkerish picture from behind HAHAHA. oh TAI... their set was SO AWESOME.

-Family Force 5- We weren't actually in the pit for them, but we stood a ways away in the shade and danced (that's one of the great things about warped- you can walk around dancing like a freak and you won't get a lot of weird looks). they are one of the coolest bands ever, i think. the mosh pit looked like crazy fun dancing. the singer dude was wearing these huge gloves and running around and they had this one guy up on stage that didn't do anything music-wise except dance around like a freak. their stuff was SO fun. i enjoyed listening to it :]

- Forever the Sickest Kids- We never ended up seeing them, but we ran laps around the venue looking for them :] it was disappointing, but in the end it was all okay because Tucker found me these epic sunglasses on the ground by the stage where Family Force 5 had played (Ernie Ball stage). i wore them for the entire day and night and am still wearing them now as I write this. They're a little scratched and God knows who had them before he/she threw them away in the mosh pit, but they're fricking awesome. Yeah.

- Reel Big Fish- I listened to them while we were checking the Board (it deserves capitalization) and i liked their sound a lot..... i think it's really cool that they have trumpet and trombone players up on stage. people were really into it.

- Say Anything- I only knew 3 or 4 of the songs they played in their set, but it was AMAZING. the pit was fun. megan and i pushed to the front. hilights include the following: MAX BEMIS, "Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too" (which was AMAZING AND THE GREATEST SONG EVER TO SEE LIVE- they played it as their last song and i tried to get a video but i'm not sure it came out), "Every Man has a Molly," "Alive with the Glory of Love" (i got chills during this song- everyone was screaming the "alive.... alive.... alive with love" part and it was just so cool to see), and listening to a bunch of new (to me) songs that i really want to download to my ipod now. also, during their set, my mom texted megan (my phone was dead, as usual) to tell her to tell me that i got a 5 on my bio ap...! CELEBRATION!!!

- Jack's Mannequin, or how i became epic- HOLY CRAP WOW. they are INCREDIBLE live. i loved watching andrew mcmahon play piano and sing- he has 2 mics, one right in front of the keyboard for him to sing into when there's a complicated piano part and another one facing out towards the audience so that he's singing right out to us while playing. a lot of times he would just stand up and play piano/sing/dance at the same time. it was amazing. you can just see how much feeling he puts into the songs, whether he's singing or playing. it's obvious that he loves what he's doing and that makes for some really awesome music. Hilights include- "Bruised," "La La Lie," meeting up with Alicia in the mosh pit (yay!), new song, andrew mcmahon taking shots before they played and handing the bottle around to all the other band members, singing "Dark Blue" on my way out of the pit, and "The Mixed Tape."
"The Mixed Tape" deserves its own little separate paragraph because during this song, I crowdsurfed for the first time ever. i was so nervous but i just love that song so much (it's sort of just this epiphany/freedom song for me in ways i can't explain quite exactly but idk yeah) that i got overwhelmed and happy and sort of in that amazing live music zone where everything is just sort of golden and perfect so i just went over to some guy in the pit and he lifted me up and i surfed all the way to the front and got pulled out by the guards :] it was SO fun and really surreal overall, just because of that moment right when you get out and the band is RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. it was sweet.

Angels & Airwaves- Tom Delonge is a special. haha. i was in the pit for 2 songs, up until they played "Everything's Magic" (which just happens to be my FAVORITE SONG EVER right now). That song was definitely one of the biggest hilights of the day. I was completely in the zone and happy and just during that song, as corny and cheesy as it sounds, everything WAS magic. it was perfect. i was singing back to Tom and the sound was everywhere and i got chills and almost cried with the sheer unity and joy of everything, from the people around me in the pit screaming the words and jumping around to the musicians onstage crafting this huge anthemic space song for us. i was just overwhelmed in the best way possible and it really was a religious experience. and i don't even listen to AVA (but now i want to get into them more). so during the first chorus of "everything's magic," i crowdsurfed again. haha. it was AWESOME. i got flipped around like 5 times and thrown up into the air like i was flying and then i landed right in front of the band and it was whoa. i can't describe it. the music was everywhere and the sun was setting and it was that dusky golden hour and perfection and wow.
and then in the end, Tom came out solo w/ a guitar and played a Box Car Racer cover :] he's funny.

-after AVA, we left (after making a pit stop at Katy Perry for Brit to see "I Kissed a Girl" ((she has a good voice, but that song is slightly obnoxious, not going to lie)), during which i'm 99 percent positive that i saw Alex Suarez from Cobra try to crowdsurf in the back- he got dropped) and hiked the long epic hike to Tucker's car, only to find out that the battery was dead. HAHAHAHA. special ensued.
jay ran off to get his car and came back with tucker's friends and i'm not quite sure what happened but then suddenly we were all walking back another 2389038974039 miles (my feet ached like crazy but it was SO WORTH IT to be at warped and just. yeah) to Jay's car. along the way, there was an incident of drive-by deodorant-ing (some guy drove by us walking and chucked his Axe at me as hard as he could and it hit me on the thigh and ow. but it was fine and actually quite hilarious)... and we walked and finally got there and we piled in after fooling with the GPS named Janice and Tucker had to sit in the trunk. and we went to a REALLY sketch gas station where Jay temporarily traded his driver's license for some jumper cables and there was this REALLY sketchy guy that walked in front of our car and Jay was like, "is that a witch?" and we were like, "a man-witch." it was pretty funny but i guess you had to be there. oh well. anyway, we drove back to Tucker's car to try and jump it but it wouldn't work so while they were trying different things with the cables, i just sat on the ground in the dark with megan and mai and sung random songs. haha. tucker's car didn't work at all so we left it under the bridge where we had parked and Jay planned to drive with his dad to pick it up tomorrow (today?). we all then got back in Jay's car and squeezed like crazy (with Tucker in the trunk) and listened to AVA and then Justin Timberlake's old album and talked about music and random stories and Britney Spears and other things that I can't quite remember. Then we proceeded to go exit-hopping and went to like, 3 exits for food but couldn't find a good place (the first wendy's wasn't really open and the steak & shake had like, 4 cop cars by it and we figured that since tucker was in the trunk and 4 girls were squeezed in the back, it wouldn't be a good idea to pull up and then pile out of the car at s&s) so eventually, we gave up and went to Denny's. I've always wanted to go to Denny's, which is this epic diner place that's open 24/7 (literally). It was fricking amazing. Tucker made some sort of origami ball and we laughed at random things that I can't quite remember. Fun times. Then we drove home and we all fell asleep.

Haha, the quality/eloquence of this review has deteriorated rapidly since i first started it. I'm SO TIRED. maybe i'll edit it tomorrow, maybe i won't. oh, well.

WARPED WAS INCREDIBLE. i'm SO going next year. it was just so much fun to be with people that loved the same kind of music you do and then to have all these stages all around so that no matter where you're walking, some sort of music is always in your ears. plus, i got a lot of free demo CDs from bands that i'm excited to listen to. everyone was just so nice and fun, especially in the mosh pit and helping out with crowdsurfing. it was awesome.

So yeah. GO WARPED TOUR '08!!!!!!!

we're twisted logic
every example of losing

"happy," "sad," "angry," what are those?
words.
just letters, just human effort.
you can't describe emotion with a string of symbols
it's impossible. whydowetry?
no words, no words to draw my heart in black and white
no state of the union, no explanation, just rawness and burning
eyes closing, lips print "why?"
better off apart.
i never felt.
but i i i i i can't do this
i can't do it anymore.
it's not you holding me back, it's me.
my own weight
let me go, demons, ghosts, thoughts viscous and unsure
help me
i'm lost again.
but i've never felt more alive.
this is why people dread death, isn't it?
because life is made of pain
but that's how we learn to survive.
isurvive.

this is why i'm here.
i'm glowing in the dark.
look at me.
watch me come alive at night.

nocturnal
nocturna
nocturn
noctur
noctu
noct
noc
no.

i'm fleeting butnotfleeing

idon'tknowhowtotranslatewhati'mfeelingintowordsbuti'mdoingmybestsotrytounderstand.



yellow cracks spiderweb walls
as inhibitions dissolve into iron crumbs
i'm exhausted from being okay.


infinite lives through the grapevine
feeling vicariously
this is when it collapses and no,
i'm not always what you think

fading winters bled into a monochrome spring
givemetheawakening

too much sky and not enough reality

diamondback dreams on the face of venom lovers

he cries oil under the desert horizon

her initials embossed on the back of his eyes
burned like a sunscar into the landscape

lanterns through rose-tinted glasses
an atmosphere imploding into fire
he stumbles into an oasis (butit'sinyourhead)

seeing the world as a mirage, gilded and shimmering in his mind's eye

visions of the impossible
absinthecreatures whispering malignant seductions

surprising. it's easy to feel suffocated with all this empty air around you
sand stretching for miles and miles and milesandmiles and and and lost.
stinging feet
worth it to give up.

a bleached skeleton in the white heatcold of day
lurid idyll and the music of silence
technicolorsnapshotsofwhatisn't.there.
he wallows in death's whimsy
watches as his soul grows scales
morbidfascination, he shatters into a thousand pieces
the sky vacuums them into an abyss

this is how we exist.

clocks with circle hands
meticulously sinister
what's the recipe for disaster?

[somewhere,thisistruth]

watermarks seeping through ceilings of closed rooms
teastains, yellow fingers,
soot-smudged edges and the smell of decay
ink flicks off of nibs and laces across parchment, sprawling accidentally into the dark wood of his desk
not soaking in but laying in little pools of black, sticking to fingers and spreading like fungus, innocently malicious and lacking intention
scratching, scathing, the words pour out
echoing across his mind
"amiforgotten?"
phrases floating like wisps of smoke into a velvet sky
hush.
the night whispers, caressing his ears with false promises and carrying her voice,
that of deciet, he slams his fist against the wall and feels vessels breaking, collapsing, bone dented and screaming
holding his hand up like it's written in a foreign language
eyes squeezed shut, teeth clenched, a tear escapes
carving a hot rivulet into his weathered cheek
dripping down onto the letter and blurring the words into incoherence, the same jumbled emotion his mouth is sputtering as he rocks back and forth on his chair, a cigarette glows hotly on the table and with his uninjured hand he picks it up and cradles it, placing it to his mouth with shaking fingers, nursing his addiction, the soft cylinder as white and thin as the hair that dusts his temples, he's dying, he knowsheknowsheknows, and she left him so long ago but it feels like yesterday, bitter and young, the sound of the screen door slamming shut and the heat of her skin under his hands and the look of her eyes, raw and despondent and gone, and the whisper of her voice in his ear and the vision of her silhouette on the sunrise as she walked away for the last time and he's been better off, he tells himself, what with the wife he never loved and the kids all grown with families and he's the one nobody likes to talk about, the one stuck in the ghosts of his mind, but all he wanted was to say goodbye.goodbye......

as the world spins out of control.





i'mhere

we're just late-night fireside burnouts
"you don't want to be like us."
corrupting eyes and bottleneck smiles
alcohol through an IV, summernightsins
was living so much to handle? do the chemicals make it any more bearable?
hazy vision and magnified emotion and how did you get here (thenthere)?
drinking your life into a blur of mistakes and regret
makingoutpassingoutwhateverhappenshappens
we dream of normality because all we know is falling.
disappointment is routine so i'd rather forget it in the morning.
whathappenedlastnight? slurred words and faux affection
selfhatred so strong there's no room for reflection

"there's a place in the dark where the animals go
you can take off your skin in the cannibal glow
Juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands
drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, Romeo"

your face is glowing in orange tongues of light.
a foreign subculture of smoke and beach nomads
underground but common knowledge,
common, common, common,
give me your attention and in return, i give you me
or what's left to give because quite honestly, i don't exist.
i'm a shell. i breathe in the past because it is also now.
five years that i wish i could erase.
the deeper we sink, the less i want to swim and surface
because although it's darker down here, the cold makes it numb.
we live the life you superficially envy.
we're vampires leeching transparent blood out of time's wilting veins,
sleeping through the day because it burns our eyes to see our lives
the way we always knew they were.
it's easier to throw it all away.
headaches.
heartaches.
pass the liquor, i need to fade.
theydon'tcallthemshotsfornothing.

blackout

denial is the coward's defining vice.

["don't pretend you ever forgot about me"]

we're the poster children for unfortunate situations,
bad timing and twisted endings.

you're reluctant to remember and i'm trying to forget.
it's too soon for nostalgia.



"tongue-tied and oh-so-squeamish, you never fell in love.. did you get what you deserve?"

i waste the present dreaming about the future,
mulling over the past.


he dreams of hummingbirds perched on coathangers
then electric silence, thin smoke, and whispered regrets

i never said i meant it.

the thing about immortality is that at some point, you will have done everything
and life becomes common and unexciting
without a deadline,
a flatline,
and why are we all here, anyway?

writing about now makes it yesterday.

it's 11:11, make a wish.
colors and breeze and then everything is eerie,
too garish. it fades to a dull ache

waking up to breathing tubes and a dim light pulsing in the sky
like a monochromatic heartbeat
measuring the days of blank faces and blank ambitions

never posted here before, but i guess now is the time to start. hi.
let's establish some things.

i don't try to be something i'm not.
i don't try to be anything, in fact. not here.
i'm not striving for some generic brand of poetic tragedy.
i'm not the "misunderstood artist."
i'm generally not "misunderstood," in fact. occasionally i am NOT understood. but that is different, and i'm pretty sure we all experience it to a degree. so.
i'm not pretending.
these are my thoughts. these are my words. i write my words how i think them, not how i want them to look. i don't force phrases into a format to make them seem more "poetic." please treat these entries with respect, but feel free to offer constructive criticism.




also, i have a thought journal (as in a REAL paper-and-pen journal), so i might not write here a lot... and if i do, it might be copy/pasted from my thought notebook.... just to let you know.

feel free to add me as a friend, provided that you're not a major creeper.


-xoxo